I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
