I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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