My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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