i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
