3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
