Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
