She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
