1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
