How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
