I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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