I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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