it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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