While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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