I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
