I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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