You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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