Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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