Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
