if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
