If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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