He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
