my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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