ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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