My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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