I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
