Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
