UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
