I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
