sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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