i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
