can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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