I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize