My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
