who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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