I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize