Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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