I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
