dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
