I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
