dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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