i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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