I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
