I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize