Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
