i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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