she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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