I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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