Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
