i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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