I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
