hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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