Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
