Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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