Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
