I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize