I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
