She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
