i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
