I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
no, he came in my armpit
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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